Sometimes my pain makes sense. Sometimes.

I have miscarried 4 babies. Four. The pain of it is undescribable. (I probably spelled that wrong. I don't care today.) I don't think you can understand it unless you go through it. I feel like it's the same thing with cancer or other things of earth-shattering or life-changing in nature. Unless you go through something, you can't REALLY know how it feels. Therefore, you can't really relate to it or understand it. It doesn't mean one can't sympathize. For sure, one can.

I found an online community 4 and a half years ago, after my fourth miscarraige, that changed my life again. There are women out there who've gone through it and come out on the other side and are now supporting other women as they go through it. Four and a half years later, that supportive one is ME!

Would I have chosen to lose four of my precious babies? No way.

Do I feel like it's made me a better person because of it? Yes.

Do I feel like I can now better support other women who have and/or are going through it and REALLY know how it feels? Yes.

Do I have a closer walk with Jesus that I never had before? Yes.

So, was it worth it? Yes. I can say yes. Now.

I feel like God has blessed me with those four babies for a reason. It gives those four precious lives meaning even though I never got to hold them or raise them. It gives their lives validity.

In Sunday School a couple of weeks ago, we were talking about heaven. We were talking about babies in heaven (our Sunday School teacher and his wife have lost 5. 4 through miscarraige and 1 through a uterine rupture at full term) and whether or not our loved ones and babies know us and if they can see us now or know what's going on in our lives. I'm not sure I agree with everything I heard and I'm searching for answers. However, when I was going through my 4th miscarraige, a lady in our church, who'd also lost a couple of babies, came to me. She'd witnessed a woman on her death bed who'd previously lost a child in her lifetime. As the woman took her final breaths, she opened her eyes suddenly and said, "My baby!" and then died. You know. That's the part of me that believes maybe people in heaven DO know what's going on here. I know it says in the bible that there will be no sorrow in heaven. The argument for that was that that's after Jesus comes again and we're all in heaven or hell (if we haven't asked Jesus to come into our hearts and forgive us of our sins). Someone from class is looking up some verses for me to support their belief. I'm waiting to see what that is before I decide. Either way, I look forward to seeing and holding my babies when I get to heaven.

I found out today, that a dear friend from my past didn't find a heartbeat at her 12 week appointment. I've been there. I know how devastating it feels and I'm so sad for her. It's amazing how fresh that pain becomes again when a dear friend or family member goes through it. When you're away from it, it feels like you've recovered well. Then it becomes new again, not as badly as originally, but new again just the same. It's always a shock to me. Every time.