Fresh Pain

Today, one of my friends found out her pregnancy has ended in yet another miscarriage. I met this friend on the internet through a website that is for support through these things.

She and I have "known" each other for about 4 years, when she joined. She was able to go on and have a baby boy 3 yrs ago, the love of her life. I got to meet her, in person, for the first time in Virginia during the summer of '09. She was quiet and reserved. I had a feeling that there was more to her, in person, than I got to see that day and promised her that at our next get together, we were DEFINATELY going to get to talk more one-on-one.

Fast forward to this past summer. She ended up in Chicago for a work related conference. So, I got to leave my brood at home this time and drive to Chicago to meet her again, in person. I was right. She is a WONDERFUL human being and we hit it off really well. I wish we lived closer and could have playdates with our boys and just hang out.

She becomes pregnant easily, as I did 6 of the 7 times I was pregnant. She began spotting on Tuesday. Today, an ultrasound confirmed that indeed her baby is in the arms of Jesus. I am so torn up over this.

Why do I keep going to a place and surround myself with friends who are going through this and feeling the pain over and over again? There are several reasons, really. The first is because these ladies are like sisters to me. We've formed a sisterhood of sorts through our similarities. We know the pain each other has felt or is feeling presently. The second is because I believe with my whole heart that God wants me to stay there and continue to support these friends of mine. The third is because I remember when I first "happened" upon this group and the sheer relief I had to know that the things I was thinking, and the things I was feeling were normal, and the support I received were invaluable. I want to pass that blessing along. Forth and possibly the biggest reason? I NEED to memorialize my babies that were lost to miscarriage. I can't explain it really.

I have pondered my friend's loss this whole evening. Paul and I got to go on a date tonight. Dates are very rare at my house so they are much cherished when they happen. I told him of my friend and her circumstances. Paul is so understanding of my friends online and has always been really great and supportive about my relationships there. He was/is so sweet about my friend's loss tonight as he's been numerous times before. I am so blessed to have Paul in my life. He's truly my best friend. He lets me grieve as I need to and is a solid rock for me. My grief for my friend is fresh.

Sometimes my grief hits me for my own babies and I don't even see it coming. I suppose some think I should probably "get over it" but it's impossible. But, in the fresh pain, GOD IS FAITHFUL. I have wept many many many tears in His presence. He knows. He understands. He draws me. He loves me. He loves my babies more than I do. He grieves with my pain. He blesses me over and over and over, much more than I deserve. I deserve nothing. I'm a worthless sinner. But, I'm a redeemed sinner, saved by only the grace GOD gives. I'm so thankful. I'm so blessed.

The hope? Someday, I'll get to hold those babies in Heaven. Part of me longs for that a bit. But, for these days, I'm going to hold my earthly babies. As Psalm 127 says, Lauren, Brookelyn, and Nathan are my heritage. They're the fruit of my womb and HIS reward. (Thank you, Jesus, for this reward!!!) My arrows.

So, as I shed yet more tears tonight for my dear sister-like friend, I know that someday I'll get to love on another one of her babies in Heaven right along with my own. That hope is TRUE, amidst the fresh pain.